I’ve seen a lot in my life. Odd things, funny things, amazing things. Some stuff I’ll probably never see again.

I’ve seen seven states. From one mountain.

The houses of Washington Lincoln, and Elvis.

A face carved into a mountain. That wasn’t Mt. Rushmore.

3D that doesn’t suck. Hint: it wasn’t Avatar.

Doppelgangers of people I know. One was a girl version of a dude. Weird.

A wall of ice in Florida. I hugged it.

One of my old teachers drunk. Hilarious.

A bar fight while the song “Beat It” was playing.

A disturbing number of people with the twirly mustache. 

A real life version of Frogger. It did not end well.

A good Michael Bay movie. Yeah there’s at least one.

A talking garbage can. It insulted me.

Her smile…Damn now I’m depressed.

I was at the AWP writers conference recently and saw several girls with super short hair and could’nt help but write this.

“What I think when I see a girl with short hair.”

1. Is that a dude?

2. Only Halle Berry ever really pulled that off.

3. There’s a 90% chance that girl is a lesbian.

4. I should really get a haircut.

Another day another list.

Ah the twirly mustache. It’s one of the oddest staches around. But just who can pull it off. Well the list is simple.

1. Italians

2. Men in their 50’s

3. People 100 years ago.

4. Not hipsters.

I recently went to the AWP Writers Conference and Book Fair that was held in Chicago. It was interesting to say the least. I did not learn too much that I already didn’t know. But I did make a few interesting observations about the Conference in general and put together this little list poem thing.

“What I learned at AWP” 

1. The book you want is not for sale.

2. The book you don’t want is free.

3. The joke panel was all style no substance.

4. The Hulk is a villian.

5. Genre writing is garbage.

6. Comic Con has less weirdos.

A long time ago when I was a kid my brother and I and would watch reruns of the original Transformers cartoon before school everyday. I never had any of the toys as shows that were over a decade old didn’t usually have toys in stores back in those days. Years later I got into Beast Wars via the toys at first then like the original show before it, I would watch it everyday before school. I loved that show. Still do. For me at least it holds up a lot better than the original show. But the concept and characters still appealed to me but the other cartoons after Beast Wars did not draw me in although I did enjoy Beast Machines. I thought Robots in Disguise was dumb and I got sick of Armada pretty quick and never bothered with the other two animes. 

But when I found out that they were actually gonna make a live action Transformers movie I got excited. And when I saw it I enjoyed it save for a really idiotic cop out at the end where a giant battle in the middle of a city was somehow covered up. But unfortunately it did not hold up for to long by the time I watched it again I couldn’t even remember why I liked it at all. A lot of the plot made no sense when I thought about it and to much of the action scenes were obscured and poorly edited making them unenjoyable. Final nail was the “fight” between Optimus and Megatron. What should have been epic was a couple of blows then Prime getting thrown around. I did not see the sequel in theaters but saw it eventually. The action was much better but the story was horrible. Both movies could have had a half hour cut out and not make a dramatic impact on the film other than making them drag less.

The movies had the same problem that Armada had. It followed some really annoying kid. I understand why the live action movie would have to be more human centered. But I should at least be able to like the character. But he has no real motivation or point and in both movies he was given a macguffin as a reason to even be there. And he also should not have been the one to beat Megatron. 

Unfortunately the third one is more of the same. While the action is awesome the story is still weak. The villains plan makes little sense. It’s actually borrowed from the original cartoon. And it shows because why would giant robots want to use tiny humans as a slave labor force? It’s fine for an eighties Saturday morning cartoon but not a 2011 live action movie. Instead of the kid having a macguffin his reason for being in the story is apparently his desire to well be in the story. Much like the first two movies any Transformer not named Optimus Prime is just sort of there with nothing to distinguish them except in the case of most of the Autobots their accents.

Thankfully the idiotic humor of the second movie is toned down and by the final battle is  almost gone. No robot testicles in this movie. Also the parents who became very irritating have much smaller roles. And Megan Fox’s replacement Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (man that’s a long name) does an alright job. She feels a bit more likable and natural, especially compared to Fox’s blandness. But her character has little depth but that is the fault of the writer. All the returning cast members turn in performances pretty much the same as they have been. Shia is as annoying and uninteresting as always. Josh Duhamel more or less waits around for the action scenes so he can do more than just stand around a give some expository dialogue. Instead of standing around with him Tyrese Gibson just doesn’t even show up till the later half of the movie. As always the best performance comes from voice actor Peter Cullen who at times in the series feels like the only one who gives his all to everything he says as Optimus Prime. Also good is Lenard Nimoy whose character Sentinel Prime is a much more interesting bad guy than the Fallen from. Now the biggest problem with these two characters is that they aren’t the main focus despite the fact that their actions are the most important. It’s been the main flaw of the film series as a whole. Optimus is the central character in all the posters and DVD/Blu-ray covers he is the hero but the movies seem to always find a way for him to not be in the movie. In the first one he doesn’t show up till an hour in. In the second he dies an hour in. The third one he actually felt like he was a part of the movie instead of being incidental. He actually has a bit of a story arc with Sentinel but the movie still feels like they were trying to find ways to keep him offscreen. Whoops the Autobots faked their deaths. Oops Optimus has to go retrieve his jetpack. Oops Optimus got stuck in on a crane. And all of that happens in the last act. It’s way too noticeable.

But the most glaringly bad thing about the movie is a handful of sequences that smash cut to black like what can be seen in countless movie trailers. But this wasn’t a trailer it was a movie. And it is so awkward. It ruins a few scenes that might have actually been pretty cool. But it’s not all bad. Much like the second movie the action is well handled. Special note goes to the part where a jet-pack flying Optimus swoops in a destroys 6 or 7 Decepticons. And the middle of the film has a really cool chase scene. But all the good stuff is surrounded by garbage making it hard to watch in a lot of places. I couldn’t tell you how many times I rolled my eyes and groaned.

I’d being lying if I didn’t say I hope both Bay and Shia are done as they claimed to be and if we have to have a fourth that it’d be directed by someone who actually cares about characters be they giant robot or otherwise because three movies of cardboard cutouts is three movies to many.

Recently DC comics has renumbered all their books starting back at number ones. So it’s made me all nostalgic. Buying Batman #1 when the first comic you ever got was Batman #500 will do that to you. Now I’ve been reading comics since I was a kid but have only followed at least one series regularly for about nine years. This is the story of the first comic book series I ever followed.

Back in 2001 a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series had launched. Having been a fan since I was little and having a dozen or so issues of the Image series that ended in 1999 and the show not aired in year I was more than ready for more TMNT. I would follow the series till it ceased regular publication back in 2006 and read the handful of issues made available online.

As a kid I had no way of going to the comic book store and completely missed the first issue. I only got the second one by chance when I saw it on a rack outside the comic book store. I got the next few issues no problem but could not find the first. I read in one of the issues that issues 1 and 2 were sold out at stores. It all seemed hopeless. Then I turned to what was an exciting new way of finding stuff to buy at the time. The Internet. I went to the Official TMNT site and looked through their catalog. I so the issue printed out the order form (yeah it was a different time) and sent away for it.

Not even two days later the Official site announces they have sold out of the first printing of issue one of the new series. I was horrified. I was to late. My order form was now ordering nothing. At least that’s what I thought. As the next day I got the mail and with it is a large tan envelope. Return address is Mirage Studios. I ripped the envelope open and in my hands was TMNT volume 4 issue 1. My first number 1. It dawned on me as I held it. This was not just any copy of that issue 1. It was the last. The last of the first.

This is a short story I wrote back in 2007. Man I just realized how old this thing is. I wrote it for my creative writing class. We were told to write anything but had to include the line “It must be that damn piano.” This was one of the first comedy pieces I ever wrote so it has some sentimental value to me and I do like some of the jokes I used still. It features three characters based on myself and two guys I know in a sort of Three Stooges type of set up. I was always inspired by the way the three of us goofed off in art class back in high school. And Now “The Three Assholes In: Wedding Crashing.”

   An asshole is a stupid, mean, or contemptible person. Now multiply that by three.

                                   The Three Assholes In: Wedding Crashing

                                                      By Bill Young

It was a beautiful Saturday evening at the Plaza hotel in New York City. Inside the brilliantly decorated lobby snobs over every kind moved in every direction. Many of them were there for a big wedding. The kind where the menu consists of at least one endangered species. At the front desk the hotel manager Mr. Hackett was waiting impatiently for three of his workers, Bill, Dom, and Chris. The heavily irritated and definitely in need of a drink Mr. Hackett needed them there that instant.

“Where are those assholes,” he shouted to no one. “They’re late again.” He was growing sick of the three of them. All they did was turn his hair gray. They had horrible attitudes toward each other and to those around them. The only reason they still had jobs at the hotel was because they somehow managed to get their work done.

A few moments later the three workers he was waiting for entered the hotel lobby. All three of them walked like they just could care less about being late, and it showed when they approached Mr. Hackett who was standing by the front desk.

The spikey haired Bill mumbled, “Hey.”

The somewhat taller and tan Dom said, “Yo.”

And the shortest of them Chris said, “Sup.”

“The three of you are late and all you have to say is hey?”

Bill smirked, “Well actually Dom said yo, and Chris said sup so technically only one of us…”

“I don’t care what you said,” Mr. Hackett shouted. “I just want you to get to

work.”

“Ha,” chuckled Chris. “Bill got yelled at.”

Bill turned. “Shut up the hell up,” he shouted. “So what do you want us to do boss?”

“Nothing that should be hard, even for you three.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Just move the grand piano from the lobby to the ballroom.”

“Why?”

“Because a very important guest is having his wedding reception here and he has requested to play the grand piano for his new wife.” Mr. Hackett explained.

“How romantic.”

“Now I am going to make sure everything is going smoothly in the ball room,”

Mr. Hackett continued. “I hope you can handle everything here. Remember it is a surprise, so be discrete about it.”

“Sir, it’s a piano, discretion is not an option,” said Bill.

“Just promise me nothing will go wrong.”

“I can promise you anything you want.”      

“Just do it!”

At that moment Bill, Dom, and Chris looked down at their feet. They did this not out of shame but because that day all three of them were wearing Nikes. The three workers started laughing loudly attracting all sorts of attention.

“Get to work!” Mr. Hackett shouted. He then stormed off to handle other matters.

Unfazed by his shouting the three workers started to walk over to the piano.

“Well that could have gone better you fucking idiot.” Dom shouted to Bill.

“Shut up asshole.”

“What are you gonna do to stop me.”

Bill looked down for a second, then back up at Dom, then he looked of into space. Then suddenly he started to charge Dom. In a panic Dom began to run as Bill chased him. They started running around the piano. Around and around they went.

Chris sat down at the piano and watched what unfolded. He sighed wishing he had popcorn in order to enjoy the show. While he was sitting there a guest walked up to him and asked “Excuse me do you know where guest relations is?”

“Not here.” Chris blurted out. The guest quickly left in disgust.

Bill stopped chasing Dom and said, “Alright I’m gonna go see how we’re gonna move this downstairs.” Bill left to check the elevators cursing under his breath as he walked. A curious customer stared at the silently cursing Bill who turned quickly and shouted, “What the fuck you looking at?!”

“Hey Chris guess what.”

“What?”

“You’re gay.”

“No I’m not, but you are.” A minute later Chris started playing Mary had a little lamb on the piano. “Hey Dom check it out.”

“Mary had a little lamb, man that is pathetic.” Dom responded. “Check this out.”

Dom started to play a quick part of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Dum dum dum dum. Dum dum dum dum.

“That’s bullshit Dom, you only hit like two keys.

“But I get points for it using classical music instead of a children’s nursery

rhyme.”

 A few moments later Bill came back. Chris asked “Well can it fit in the elevator?”

“No,” he said shaking his head.

“What about the freight elevator,” Dom said chiming in something useful.

“Broken.”

“That means.”

“Yep, we take the stairs.”

“But the ballroom is three flights down.”

“We’re gonna fuck this up.” Dom said.

“We just need to be very careful,” Bill said as he elbowed a lamp on a nearby table and knocked it on the floor. “That doesn’t count.”

“Sure it doesn’t.” Chris said with a laugh.

“Whatever lets get to work.”

They started to wheel the piano till they reached the stairwell. With Bill in the front and Dom and Chris holding the other side. They slowly made it down two flights.

“Okay easy does it.” Bill said.

“Hey Chris twenty bucks says Bill trips and lets the piano fall down the stairs.”

“You fucking jackass!” Bill shouted. “I should punch you out right now!”

“And yet you won’t shit head.” Dom shot back.

“Oh, he burned you,” laughed Chris.

“Shut up shorty,” Bill yelled.

“Hey I’m only like three inches shorter than you.”

“Three inches is good enough for me.”

“Oh yeah!” Chris said letting go of the piano and quickly climbing over the piano toward Bill.

“Chris!” Dom shouted as he fell forward. At the same time the piano fell to Bill knocking him into the open piano which slammed shut when Dom and Chris fell on it. The piano slid the rest of the way down the stairs, through the stairwell doors and towards the ballroom.

Inside the ballroom the reception had been going smoothly. But a noise could be heard slowly getting louder.

One of the Waiters asked Mr. Hackett, “What is that noise?”

“It must be that damn piano.” Mr. Hackett said. “Those assholes must be goofing off again.”

Suddenly the grand piano crashed into the room. It knocked over nearly ten tables. Guests at the wedding started running in every direction. It slid to a stop in front of the table with the giant wedding cake on it. It hit the table with enough force to cause the cake to slide onto the closed piano top.

“Dude we literally crashed the wedding.” Chris said climbing off of the piano.

“True son.”

The two fist bumped. Chris then turned back to the piano and took a quick taste of the cakes icing with his finger. “Mmm sweet.”

Suddenly the piano lid flew open sending the cake onto the newlyweds and Mr.

Hackett.  Bill slowly staggered out of the piano. “I can see the music.” He said in a rather dazed voice. Chris smacked him in the back of the head to knock some sense into him. Bill took a look at where he was. “What the?” He glared at Dom and Chris. Then he looked back at their boss. “Guys.”

“Yeah.” They said in unison.

“Run!”

“Right behind ya,” said Chris.

The three of them ran for the door. “Boss we quit.” Bill shouted to Mr. Hackett as they passed him by.

“Why you!”

“Mr. Hackett!!” The cake covered groom screamed.

“Sir I can explain,” pleaded Hackett.

“Never have I been treated to such a horrendous act,” He shouted. “When I’m done you will not be able to get a job as a janitor in a Motel Six!”

“Now what,” Chris asked once they got three blocks from the hotel. Bill grabbed a newspaper from someone and pulled out the want adds. He tossed the rest of the paper away ignoring the mans yelling.

“You asshole!”

“Wanted, house painters.” Bill read.

“No.” Dom responded.

“Okay how about this.”

“Give me back my paper.” The man shouted.

Bill turned around. “No.”

“I’ll ask again give me back my paper.”

“And I’ll say again no.” Bill said. “You know what, make it a hell no.”

“I’ll kick your ass.” The guy shouted as he charged forward but fell into an open manhole. The three crouched down and looked in the manhole.

“Watch that first step.” Dom said.

“Yeah it’s a doozy.” Chris followed.

“Oh god, the shit,” The man screamed. “It’s everywhere!”

Bill turned to the others. “What an asshole.”

 The End.

This is a short piece I wrote back in 2008 for my non-fiction writing class about something that happened to me in high school while on a family trip to Disney World. Whew that was a long sentence.  

Bailing On The Magic Kingdom

Show of hands how many of you have been to Disney World? Hope you didn’t actually do that. I have been to Disney World twice in my life. Once as a kid, and once as a teenager. Ten and sixteen to be exact.  Both times were fun in their own way. When you’re younger you enjoy the more kiddy aspect of the place. When you’re older you remember it better. Now I could go on about some of the wacky stuff that happened to me on my second trip to Disney. Things like getting stuck in Epcot’s Mexico during a massive rain storm, and getting insulted by a talking garbage can. That last one wasn’t a typo I can assure you. You see on the first day there I did something quite odd. I bailed on the Magic Kingdom.

My first night in Disney wasn’t the most pleasant one. You see during this trip I strangely found myself unable to take a crap. Well most of the time. The two days of driving down there had no number twos. It was like my bowels were homesick. However my first night in Disney World at the Polynesian hotel was spent going in and out of the bathroom to take small craps. I don’t mean to be so disgusting but hey it’s what happened. And besides you’re just reading about it, I had to live through it. Anyway it was a great way to start my stay in the happiest place on Earth. Or is that technically only Disney Land?

Well the next day our vacation went on. I went to the Magic Kingdom with my parents and my brother while my other brother decided to go around the resorts alone for the day. We rode the monorail to the park that day. It is such a cool thing to ride. The monorail only stops at the three deluxe resorts and the Magic Kingdom and Epcot. Getting off the cool aired monorail into the humid Florida heat is a pretty drastic change. The humid air of that state can sometimes hit you like a ton of bricks or a flamethrower.

We went to the Magic Kingdom that day because when you stay in Disney world you get access to the park an hour or so earlier than everyone else. Each day is a different park. That day happened to be for the Magic Kingdom. So there we were waiting in line along with a lot of other people. It’s a pretty cool thing to enter a place like that when it first opens in the day. There is this period of waiting. And then, you’re in. We had are tickets scanned and entered the park.

The Magic Kingdom is the iconic Disney World park. It has that castle everybody recognizes. It is also as is my understanding a carbon copy of Disney Land from the layout to a lot of the older rides. It was the first park that Walt Disney built in Florida. It is also rather lame. This park out of all four of the parks caters to kids more than any of the others. Give me Jurassic Park and the Islands of Adventure over Dumbo and the teacups any day.

The first part of the park we headed to was Tomorrowland. Gee any idea what the theme of this place is? We watched some movie thing where a robot voiced by Robin Williams traveled through time. Oh, I just have to say this Disney is filled with standing movies. By which I mean you literally stand there and watch a movie with only a rail to lean on. It gets really annoying after a while and trust me Disney is full of things like thats. We also rode some Buzz Lightyear ride where you shoot fake aliens in some kind of recruitment training thing, and visited the Carousel of Progress (which ends in the 90’s, very progressive). There was not much special about these rides. Although the Carousel of Progress did have a catchy song with it, and shooting aliens, even pretend ones is always fun.

As the morning moved on we found ourselves in another part of the park. My parents wanted to go on the Small World ride. But it was being refurbished and updated. So my parents set their sights on a Peter Pan ride. I remembered this ride from when I was a kid. I thought it was a stupid kiddy ride. My parents wanted to go on everything. After bickering for a few minutes. And by bickering I man me bitching and moaning about not wanting to go on that ride. My parents and brother went on the ride without me. I grumbled to them that I would see them later. Ah, to be a stupid teenager again.

Alone I began to consider what I should do next. I thought of waiting for them. Or going around and ride some rides on my own. But my body had other ideas. I had to take a crap again. I went to the nearest bathroom hoping to find a clean toilet. I found pee on the seat instead. I’ve always hated public restrooms and avoid them at all cost. But having to take a crap this far from home would have ordinarily left me with no choice. But here I was a monorail ride away from my hotel room. 

I didn’t think long about my decision. I left quickly, and made my way to the exit; neglecting to get my hand stamped in the process. Boarded the monorail and got to my hotel and a semi-cleaner bathroom. After doing my well, do I really need to spell this out? Anyway knowing I couldn’t return to the park and I couldn’t call my parents to tell them where I was. I had no cell phone back then (it was a different time). So I sat down and watched the Simpsons on my portable DVD player. After a while I got hungry. Now Disney hotels and resorts have all sorts of places where you can get food. Since I had no job and little to no money at the time I had to settle for Cheetos from a vending machine.

After a little while my brother showed up. Since he had a cell phone he called and told our parents I was fine. Since I did not get my hand stamped I couldn’t go back into the park. So I just spent the rest of the day wandering around the different resorts with my brother. The two of us went to the Grand Floridian. It’s a real fancy looking place, sort of a classical style. We went by the pool and my brother in a surprisingly generous move bought me a virgin strawberry daiquiri slushee. It was awesome. I had several more of them before the trip was over. Throughout the day we rode the monorails repeatedly singing “monorail, monorail” occasionally as a reference to an old episode of the Simpsons.

At one point we went to the Contemporary Resort. Of the deluxe resorts this is sort of the bottom of the barrel. There is a “steakhouse” literally in the middle of a room. It’s most notable feature is that the monorail actually goes into the hotel. But because it is so quiet you can’t hear it. Eventually we met back up with our parents for dinner. My parents were mad but got over it quickly. After all I was a teenager. What could they expect? Rather surprisingly it would still be more than year before I got my cell phone. Strange huh?

The rest of the trip I did not bail on the other parks. I think after all this time that I only regret one thing about leaving the park early that day. I kind of wished I would have been able to go on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride before they changed it to be more like the movies. But hey what are you gonna do. Odds are I would have found it boring. The better rides are in the other parks, and Universal Studios.  Well nothing left to say but zipa dee doo da zippa de don’t you just hate that song?

Friend and fellow tumblir poster Alimus Prime has challenged me to write short story’s with plots gained from a random plot generator. This is the first of those stories.

The plot given was this “The story is about an indecisive grave robber who is constantly annoying a selfless professor. It starts aboard a space station. Monsters on a rampage play a major part in the story.” The result was the parody piece I call Space Frankenstein.

Space Frankenstein 

2818 A.D.

The room was cool and sterile. Large and yet still cramped. The view more spectacular than any on Earth. Of course the view was Earth. But Vector Von Frankenstein cared little for the sight that would make even the most cynical of people stare in awe. To him it was just the view of his front yard. His home more or less was the space station and while he maintained a home on Earth his lab was located here and it was here he would spend weeks at a time working tirelessly because he obviously did not have a girlfriend.

The professor paced back and forth waiting for any sign from his assistant who was running late. Their deadline would past. His impatience for his assistant grew with each second that passed.

“What the devil is taking him so long?”

“Uncertain sir,” said a calm robotic voice. The voice belonged to the stations computer I.G.O.R short for Intelligence Gathering Operations Robot. “Carbon unit Jacen is fickle I suggest a termination of your association with him.”

“Fickle he may be but unfortunately he was the only applicant.”

Back on Earth where it was night Jacen shovel in hand stared at a group of graves. His job was simple, dig up four fresh corpses and get them to the space station. He was lost in thought about how graveyards hadn’t changed in hundreds of years. But he needed to choose. And there was only one way a decision this important could be made. He raised his hand and began the ancient ritual. “Eeny meeny miny mo catch a tiger by its toe if it hollers let him go. Eeny meeny miny mo.”

Sometime later the small shuttle that carried Jacen and his morbid cargo docked with the station. As Jacen began to unload the four crates the professor came running into the docking bay.

“Finally,” he shouted. “You were supposed to be back hours ago.”

“Yeah well you should have sprung for a matter transporter.”

“For the last time those are unfeasible,” the professor groaned. “We have no way to break down your physical structure and reconfigure it in a way that doesn’t leave you dead.”

“So bringing dead people back to life is feasible but teleporting my god what was I thinking.”

“Enough time is short for the subjects,” explained Frankenstein. “The solar flare will be in range within the hour.”

In no time they had set up the four bodies onto the lab tables and began to work. I.G.O.R. activated machinery that began to attach cybernetic implants into them. As this happened Vector Von Frankenstein began his clearly rehearsed speech. “It was a millennia ago that my ancestor discovered the way to bring people back to life stronger and more magnificent then ever however there was a fatal flaw in his first and only creation.”

“The fact that it went on a rampage and killed a lot of people.”

“The mind,” he continued ignoring Jacen. “The brains of the deceased were deteriorated and held no knowledge of their past experiences so the creature was born a tabula rasa and thus had the mind of a child but the body of a brute. With these cybernetic implants these four will have the knowledge of the ages uploaded into their cerebral cortex. The works of Shakespeare, the teachings of Plato, the wisdom of Oprah. With the energy harnessed from the solar flare we can finally use this cybernetic chest cavity to reanimate the dead tissue. We can save countless live. End death. End despair. No child shall ever be alone.”

“Should I make popcorn?”

“…yes.”

Jacen started the microwave when an alarm went off. Frankenstein smiled. It’s here! I.G.O.R. ready the power conduits.”

“Of course sir,” said I.G.O.R.

In seconds they flare hit the station. The energy pulsated into the corpses. They shook violently. Vector watched eagerly while Jacen casually munched on his popcorn. Suddenly the four bodies began to move. Their eyes opened.

Frankenstein laughed. “They’re alive…they’re alive!”

The four newborn “people” suddenly cried our in pain and rage and began to break from their restraints. Deformed meshes of man and machine that were unable to comprehend their situation or anything really so they did the only thing that made sense get aggressive. 

“They look pissed off,” shouted Jacen. “They look pissed off!”

  They were free. They stood smashing what was around them till they suddenly started to fight each other.

“No…no…no!” pleaded Frankenstein. “My children please your supposed to be scholarly! Men of intellect aren’t supposed to act this way!”

Vector watched in horror as one of the monsters slammed another into the ground and ripped it’s head off.

“Says the professor that just created four zombie cyborgs!”

Vector and Jacen quickly fled the lab. Vector yelled, “I.G.O.R. how could this have happened?!”

“Sir it seems the minds were not as decayed as you had anticipated,” explained I.G.O.R. “The programing is conflicting with their own natural instinct driving them mad.”

“No it wasn’t supposed to be this way!”

“Your name is Frankenstein,” shouted Jacen. “Why didn’t you see this coming?!”

 “I don’t know!”

Back in the lab the monster holding the severed head of its brethren turned to the other who were still brawling. The beast snarled as he dropped the head lunged at the other two and smashed their head into each other crushing their skulls. Their bodies went limp as the remaining monster charged after its creators.

Jacen and the professor ran for their lives. As they ran they came across an airlock. Jacen stopped and grinned.

“What’re you doing,” said Vector.

 “I got an idea.” Jacen hit a button opening the door to the airlock. He stood in front of it as the monster came into view. “Come on you ugly bastard.”

The monster charged at him. Jacen quickly dove out of the way as the beast ran into the airlock. Jacen slammed his fist to the button closing the door on the monster. The creature bashed its fist futilely trying to get at them.

 “In space,” Jacen yelled, “No one can hear you die!” He hit the release button sending the monster out into space. Jacen sighed and leaned against the wall, “Ok doc let’s talk raise.”

Disgraced by his failure Vector Von Frankenstein would retire from his studies and destroy all his research that would still somehow get recovered by another idiot descendent of his years later. Jacen went on to invent the worlds first matter transporter. Many people died.

End.

This is the story of something that actually happened to me in late 2008. It was one of those days where things just went a little nuts. Immediately afterwards I was compelled to write down what had happened. This is that writing. Well a rewritten edited version of it anyway.

“The Hour and a Half Five Minute Trip”

This semester I took two classes in one day. Thursday to be precise. It wasn’t the first time I had done this. But it was the first time I had a large length of time between the classes. An hour and forty-five minutes. Previously it had only been fifteen. That’s a lot of time to kill. Time I spent reading a book; Dr. No one of the James Bond novels. Surfing the internet and eating in the cafeteria. It only took me three weeks to get sick of eating there. So I figured I’d go off campus. I went to where I knew there were stores. It was only a few minutes away. I found myself by the supermarket Acme which has a McDonalds nearby. Since I didn’t want to go too far I figured what the hell. Unfortunately I couldn’t get into the left lane and missed the turn. But I figured I would just look for a u-turn. I saw no u-turn and just kept going and going. Every turn I could take I missed. The one and only u-turn I saw that day I missed. Eventually I found myself about ten minutes out of my way. It was there I was able to turn a head back. I finally got to the McDonalds but I decided to go into Acme first. I wanted to buy a drink for later because Brookdale vending machines charges $1.50 for a bottle of soda and I was hoping to spend less. Acme charged $1.60. Go figure. After paying ten cents to much for soda I went to my car to put it away. As I was doing this a big white van parked right next to me. It was carrying a victorious girls soccer team. I only know that because they felt it necessary to inform me and likely anyone else about it. Like I give a crap though. This team however was both victorious and hungry. Guess where they went. Inside the McDonalds I found myself waiting behind about ten people. As I waited I noticed it said “college” on the uniforms of the girls. At least two of them I found attractive. Then there was the big fat black girl. I assumed she was either the goalie or that soccer now included defensive linemen. Eventually I got my food and left. I sat in my car a minute and ate a little. I decided to head back to school and finish there. While driving I turned down the road I thought was the right one. As I was driving and driving I noticed it was taking longer than I remembered. I started nervously munching on my food. I soon realized that I had made a wrong turn. Once again I found myself unable to turn around. I swear New Jersey has no u-turns. After making a turn I somehow and I’m not really sure how. But I found myself at the Monmouth Mall. It was there that I was finally able to turn around. I made my way back the direction I came from. I was sure to just go straight save for that one turn, and that is what I did. At a red light I noticed something in the corner of my eye. A sign that said “Colts Neck Inn”. I recognized the area instantly. I was now on the road I always take to school. A quickly made a right turn. If I had gone straight I would have eventually wound up in Freehold over by that mall. I know that from another experience. Well I made it back to school with five minutes to get to my next class. I went there and wrote all of this down. If there is one thing I learned about myself in my life it’s that my luck will take me as far away from where I want and need to be. But in the end it always works out. Eventually.

It’s worth noting I’ve since become very familiar with that area all thanks to getting lost a few times.