This is a short story I wrote back in 2007. Man I just realized how old this thing is. I wrote it for my creative writing class. We were told to write anything but had to include the line “It must be that damn piano.” This was one of the first comedy pieces I ever wrote so it has some sentimental value to me and I do like some of the jokes I used still. It features three characters based on myself and two guys I know in a sort of Three Stooges type of set up. I was always inspired by the way the three of us goofed off in art class back in high school. And Now “The Three Assholes In: Wedding Crashing.”
An asshole is a stupid, mean, or contemptible person. Now multiply that by three.
The Three Assholes In: Wedding Crashing
By Bill Young
It was a beautiful Saturday evening at the Plaza hotel in New York City. Inside the brilliantly decorated lobby snobs over every kind moved in every direction. Many of them were there for a big wedding. The kind where the menu consists of at least one endangered species. At the front desk the hotel manager Mr. Hackett was waiting impatiently for three of his workers, Bill, Dom, and Chris. The heavily irritated and definitely in need of a drink Mr. Hackett needed them there that instant.
“Where are those assholes,” he shouted to no one. “They’re late again.” He was growing sick of the three of them. All they did was turn his hair gray. They had horrible attitudes toward each other and to those around them. The only reason they still had jobs at the hotel was because they somehow managed to get their work done.
A few moments later the three workers he was waiting for entered the hotel lobby. All three of them walked like they just could care less about being late, and it showed when they approached Mr. Hackett who was standing by the front desk.
The spikey haired Bill mumbled, “Hey.”
The somewhat taller and tan Dom said, “Yo.”
And the shortest of them Chris said, “Sup.”
“The three of you are late and all you have to say is hey?”
Bill smirked, “Well actually Dom said yo, and Chris said sup so technically only one of us…”
“I don’t care what you said,” Mr. Hackett shouted. “I just want you to get to
“Ha,” chuckled Chris. “Bill got yelled at.”
Bill turned. “Shut up the hell up,” he shouted. “So what do you want us to do boss?”
“Nothing that should be hard, even for you three.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“Just move the grand piano from the lobby to the ballroom.”
“Because a very important guest is having his wedding reception here and he has requested to play the grand piano for his new wife.” Mr. Hackett explained.
“Now I am going to make sure everything is going smoothly in the ball room,”
Mr. Hackett continued. “I hope you can handle everything here. Remember it is a surprise, so be discrete about it.”
“Sir, it’s a piano, discretion is not an option,” said Bill.
“Just promise me nothing will go wrong.”
“I can promise you anything you want.”
“Just do it!”
At that moment Bill, Dom, and Chris looked down at their feet. They did this not out of shame but because that day all three of them were wearing Nikes. The three workers started laughing loudly attracting all sorts of attention.
“Get to work!” Mr. Hackett shouted. He then stormed off to handle other matters.
Unfazed by his shouting the three workers started to walk over to the piano.
“Well that could have gone better you fucking idiot.” Dom shouted to Bill.
“Shut up asshole.”
“What are you gonna do to stop me.”
Bill looked down for a second, then back up at Dom, then he looked of into space. Then suddenly he started to charge Dom. In a panic Dom began to run as Bill chased him. They started running around the piano. Around and around they went.
Chris sat down at the piano and watched what unfolded. He sighed wishing he had popcorn in order to enjoy the show. While he was sitting there a guest walked up to him and asked “Excuse me do you know where guest relations is?”
“Not here.” Chris blurted out. The guest quickly left in disgust.
Bill stopped chasing Dom and said, “Alright I’m gonna go see how we’re gonna move this downstairs.” Bill left to check the elevators cursing under his breath as he walked. A curious customer stared at the silently cursing Bill who turned quickly and shouted, “What the fuck you looking at?!”
“Hey Chris guess what.”
“No I’m not, but you are.” A minute later Chris started playing Mary had a little lamb on the piano. “Hey Dom check it out.”
“Mary had a little lamb, man that is pathetic.” Dom responded. “Check this out.”
Dom started to play a quick part of Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. Dum dum dum dum. Dum dum dum dum.
“That’s bullshit Dom, you only hit like two keys.
“But I get points for it using classical music instead of a children’s nursery
A few moments later Bill came back. Chris asked “Well can it fit in the elevator?”
“No,” he said shaking his head.
“What about the freight elevator,” Dom said chiming in something useful.
“Yep, we take the stairs.”
“But the ballroom is three flights down.”
“We’re gonna fuck this up.” Dom said.
“We just need to be very careful,” Bill said as he elbowed a lamp on a nearby table and knocked it on the floor. “That doesn’t count.”
“Sure it doesn’t.” Chris said with a laugh.
“Whatever lets get to work.”
They started to wheel the piano till they reached the stairwell. With Bill in the front and Dom and Chris holding the other side. They slowly made it down two flights.
“Okay easy does it.” Bill said.
“Hey Chris twenty bucks says Bill trips and lets the piano fall down the stairs.”
“You fucking jackass!” Bill shouted. “I should punch you out right now!”
“And yet you won’t shit head.” Dom shot back.
“Oh, he burned you,” laughed Chris.
“Shut up shorty,” Bill yelled.
“Hey I’m only like three inches shorter than you.”
“Three inches is good enough for me.”
“Oh yeah!” Chris said letting go of the piano and quickly climbing over the piano toward Bill.
“Chris!” Dom shouted as he fell forward. At the same time the piano fell to Bill knocking him into the open piano which slammed shut when Dom and Chris fell on it. The piano slid the rest of the way down the stairs, through the stairwell doors and towards the ballroom.
Inside the ballroom the reception had been going smoothly. But a noise could be heard slowly getting louder.
One of the Waiters asked Mr. Hackett, “What is that noise?”
“It must be that damn piano.” Mr. Hackett said. “Those assholes must be goofing off again.”
Suddenly the grand piano crashed into the room. It knocked over nearly ten tables. Guests at the wedding started running in every direction. It slid to a stop in front of the table with the giant wedding cake on it. It hit the table with enough force to cause the cake to slide onto the closed piano top.
“Dude we literally crashed the wedding.” Chris said climbing off of the piano.
The two fist bumped. Chris then turned back to the piano and took a quick taste of the cakes icing with his finger. “Mmm sweet.”
Suddenly the piano lid flew open sending the cake onto the newlyweds and Mr.
Hackett. Bill slowly staggered out of the piano. “I can see the music.” He said in a rather dazed voice. Chris smacked him in the back of the head to knock some sense into him. Bill took a look at where he was. “What the?” He glared at Dom and Chris. Then he looked back at their boss. “Guys.”
“Yeah.” They said in unison.
“Right behind ya,” said Chris.
The three of them ran for the door. “Boss we quit.” Bill shouted to Mr. Hackett as they passed him by.
“Mr. Hackett!!” The cake covered groom screamed.
“Sir I can explain,” pleaded Hackett.
“Never have I been treated to such a horrendous act,” He shouted. “When I’m done you will not be able to get a job as a janitor in a Motel Six!”
“Now what,” Chris asked once they got three blocks from the hotel. Bill grabbed a newspaper from someone and pulled out the want adds. He tossed the rest of the paper away ignoring the mans yelling.
“Wanted, house painters.” Bill read.
“No.” Dom responded.
“Okay how about this.”
“Give me back my paper.” The man shouted.
Bill turned around. “No.”
“I’ll ask again give me back my paper.”
“And I’ll say again no.” Bill said. “You know what, make it a hell no.”
“I’ll kick your ass.” The guy shouted as he charged forward but fell into an open manhole. The three crouched down and looked in the manhole.
“Watch that first step.” Dom said.
“Yeah it’s a doozy.” Chris followed.
“Oh god, the shit,” The man screamed. “It’s everywhere!”
Bill turned to the others. “What an asshole.”